Why is it hard to receive feedback?

Why is receiving feedback so much harder than giving it?

Because feedback doesn't just land on your work.

It can land on your sense of who you are.

Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen call it three triggers.

Truth: Is this even right?

Relationship: I don't trust the person saying it

Identity: This threatens how I see myself.

Most of the time we think we're evaluating the feedback.

But we're actually managing the trigger.

A leader I worked with asked her team for honest input.

Got it.

And spent the next 20 minutes explaining why each point was wrong.

She wasn't being difficult.

She was triggered.

She reflected that it was her identity trigger.

The skill isn't agreeing with everything you hear.

It's noticing the trigger, setting it down, and asking one real question before you respond.

So next time feedback stings, try this.

Ask yourself:

Which trigger just went off?

Then get curious about the part that might be true.